life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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