Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
