you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
