i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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