That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
