oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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