Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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