i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
