my mouth tastes like poor choices
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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