New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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