Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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