I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
