The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
