when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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