"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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