I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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