she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
