Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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