my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
