Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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