So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
