First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
