Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
