so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
