How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
