Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
