I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize