The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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