We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize