based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
