His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
