just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm both gender and math confused
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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