all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So much Jack, so little girl.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
