I'm so fucking centered right now
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I will pee on everything he values.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
