They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
