he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
