Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
