Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
