they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
