my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Pants are for mortals
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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