my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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