Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
