oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize