I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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