Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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