someone threw a dead crab at me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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