omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize