it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
