you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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