So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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