if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
