She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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