I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
