Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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