Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
