If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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