I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
