just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
