I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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