Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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