When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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