Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
