This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
