totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
