tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize