I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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