How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
