I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
