i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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