Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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